The Party Never Stops

I'm in a funk, a sort of funk, not an over bearing funk but a funk which is making writing very difficult- which is strange because all I want to do is let you guys know about this great play I've been reading, but I am unable to write about the play or anything I particularly want to write about. It's strange, because I want to write. I had to google blog post ideas. Needless to say, all the makeup orientated post inspiration didn't inspire me. I've been wearing the same makeup pretty much my entire life, the occasional replacement of a product if I find out the brand isn't cruelty free. I'm going to have a bitch n a moan instead. 

I have found throughout my teenage years, many adults tell me to enjoy being a certain age, how being this age/ being at high school was the best time of their lives so I should live my life to the fullest and enjoy being that age. Although they don’t mean it, in my head I automatically think they mean that I should be getting as smashed as I can before I begin to get proper hangovers. I know that’s not what they mean, well I assume it’s not what they mean, but either way I think it’s dumb for adults to infiltrate our brains and trick us into thinking the younger years of our lives are going to be the best. I don’t really know how to explain, I struggle to be eloquent. I feel like adults have made growing up seem to be so void of enjoyment which, consequently, creates this pressure to make every moment of youth as fun as possible and has also created an unjustified fear of getting older. I think my ‘beef’ (if you will) with the pressure to enjoy being young, is that it makes me doubt myself in a way. By the time I’m older I will have a kinder brain (make it a statement, not a hope, make it a reality!) but will it be too late? Am I going to look back on my life and feel regret as a lot of my nights out were when I was young and didn’t enjoy them as much as I 'should' have, am I going to regret cancelling on my friends in order to give my brain a break because in adulthood it’s a lot more difficult to see friends? The questions are endless, but I think the answer is going to be no. I don’t really know how to explain, just either way, it’s dumb to associate youth with fun and it’s dumb to tell people to enjoy being a certain age, as it makes them scared to leave that age. Oh to be young and in love, oh to be young and free, oh to have a beautiful youthful body- well bitch, I know for sure I’m going to be 64 years old slamming tequila shots, having sex, wearing a bikini, feeling in love and feeling great. Why do people make getting older seem so bad? Yes, with age comes responsibilities (ew) and health problems and all that shit, but I don’t know, it just seems dumb to put ‘having a good time’ in only one section of life.

Whilst I am ranting about the general perception of age, I will also rant about my perception of age. It annoys me that my brain associates certain milestones with age, when in actuality, these milestones aren't going to be met by that desired age. I feel like with goals, my brain doesn't take it into account that the situation is important, all it does is focus on the age. But success can come at an older age, anything can come with an older age, but why does my brain think I have to be settled down and meeting my dreams by 30? It's stupid and I hate whoever started the idea that success is an age dominated thing, rather than just a general 'this is where you life is' thing. Makes sense? Probably not.

enjoy first photo of me being 19 in which my legs look really long, but don't be fooled, I am actually a very average height

A rant? Brain vomit? I don’t know, getting older is weird but I know great years are to come and that the fun doesn’t stop just because I’m beyond 35 years old and that even if I don't meet my dream until I'm 67 it still doesn't make my achievement any less significant. Peace out!

things I've learnt, and things I'm still yet to learn

It weirds me out beyond belief that my friends are turning 19 and that soon I'll be 19 and then after that I'll be 20 which seems like the official age of adulthood. It stresses me out that with getting older comes all these new social experiences that no one teaches you how to behave in. There are questions in my life that still haven't been answered, there are new questions arising almost every day, but with me and my friends it is the blind leading the blind. Maybe that stretches beyond me and my friends though, I don't know if anyone has answers to half the things I have questions about, but then there are some questions I have that I know some people must have answers to but I just find it impossible to come up with an answer myself.

just for the record, I stole this pic from Katies blog but since I'm the model I figured it was okay

However, despite all the questions I have and the fact that since getting older my brain has become more dominated by question marks than full stops, there are some things I have learnt. Some answer the questions that drift around my mind, but most things I have learnt have no relevance to any questions I've ever had.

Things I have learnt since I've gotten older:
-There is so much more to life than just plain humus. Branch out and try something new, my personal faves are beetroot hummus and Moroccan hummus.
-Not everyone likes ABBA
-If you miss someone, chances are they miss you too but it's important to not let the feelings of missing overwhelm you- you got to recognise whether is a longing for the way things used to be between you two or whether you actually miss the current them as well. If it's the latter, don't be afraid to get back in touch.
-Not everyone washes their feet in the shower with soap and, to be perfectly honest, I just find this very strange. At first I thought my friends were dirty, but more and more people have said they don't put soap on their feet in the shower and I can't figure out if this is a normal thing or not
-A mist of anger can become too thick to see through, so never reply when you're angry
-Break ups are complicated and hard. Before, in films/novels I never fully understood a parents desire to be there for their kids first 'heart break', I always thought people went through many breakups in their life, so in my head a heart break couldn't be that bad. I wish I had recognised the title of heart break more, I wish I could have understood that there is a reason 'break' is in the title, yet break doesn't even begin to do the feeling justice. I wish I could have understood that breakups aren't always as black and white as they're made out to be, that sometimes a breakup means you both have to force yourselves out of love for things to be okay. Now I know though, I understand the twists of a heartbreak and that a breakup isn't all that simple. I feel more prepared for any future breakups that may happen.
-Medjooli dates are delicious.
-The world can be so cruel, so you got to do some small things to make it better
-Literally everyones life is falling apart, social media just shows the good shit and some people use it to trick themselves into the illusion that their life is together since their Instagram is full of good times, but in reality we're all just falling apart.
-Some friendships need to be dropped, and it can be so difficult but they just do sometimes. Don't worry about seeming cruel, because if a friendship feels bad to you then it's bad for the both of you- it can be hard but sometimes you just got to cut that person out your life. Don't be afraid to unfollow them on social media, once you no longer have constant reminders of that person in your life your anger and bitterness will fade. Just don't mistake the feelings of fading anger as you wanting to be their friend again (and don't follow them back after a while as unfollowing someone twice on Instagram is just awkward)
-People who are 100% good aren't necessarily small and weak. And yes, these people who are filled with purely good intentions do exist.
-Dance! Dance when you're out, sing along to the songs!

Things I haven't learnt
-When I'm meant to pay for myself and when my mum is meant to pay for me. Do I pay for my own bedding? Do we split the price of my work uniform? Do I buy a Diet Coke if we're out and about together or will she?
-I don't know if I'm allowed to turn the heating on whenever I want, even though I am an adult
-How to stop being angry at someone
-How to walk away after you've hooked up with someone (apparently curtsying is the wrong thing to do)
-How to say no
-How to stand up for myself
-How to stop comparing myself
-How to have self control and not eat an entire jar of peanut butter within 72 hours of buying it
-How to go from acquaintances to friends with some people. Do you know what I mean when you know someone, but they already have an idea of you and you feel like you can't exceed what they already know of you so you live by the person they think you are despite desperately wanting to break that boundary and become an actual friend rather than that girl they see on a night out? I'm not sure how to explain.
-How to stop watching my life from a distance and actually experience it and follow the voice of reason rather than my overpowering selfish instincts

There are many other things I don't know, many other things I don't think I ever will know and a shit ton of things I will never understand. I'm trying to live by a quote though, that we should try to understand less and accept more. My desperate wish to understand some things is highly annoying and inappropriate at times so I'm trying to just accept the fact some things happen and reasons/labels/explanations aren't always necessary- or even possible. Even though I don't understand why not everything can be explained (ugh). Anyway, see you soon dudes!

TRAVEL DIARIES: VIETNAM

I won't lie- in Vietnam there are a few places we went which I could have done without going to. In some ways I think doing Vietnam in a group tour was good as it's so big and understanding their transportation systems (aka their trains) can be confusing. We got the night train a lot and honestly, if it weren't for our tour guide we would have been fucked. They don't even announce the station you're arriving at, you just have to know somehow when it is the right stop. However, seeing the freedom of people who were travelling alone did make me slightly jealous. I met a few people out there who had rented motorbikes and were going round Vietnam on their bikes (which could also be taken on to coaches and stuff) which seemed amazing. They could travel through little villages and stop off at any place they fancied and take detours to see some amazing scenery. Although, despite this seeming preferable over long ass coach journeys, the roads of Vietnam were terrifying. I don't think I could ever understand their road system or if there even is a system. My friend saw two people on a motorbike with a giant ladder in between them, or sometimes we'd see people carrying a baby as they road their bikes and there just seemed to be no order. It was absolutely manic.

Vietnam was the country I felt most comfortable in, I'm not sure why as the people weren't overly friendly, but something about it just felt right.

ps- in Vietnam I went to: Can Tho (but I didn't see much as we stayed in a local village who have connections with G-Adventures) Ho Chi Minh City, Nah Trang, Hoi An, Hue, Halong Bay and Hanoi. 

HO CHI MINH CITY

Let me tell you, Ho Chi Minh City roads are insane, in fact scrap the word roads because people drive on the pavement. Nowhere is safe. Other than that, Ho Chi Minh was fun- it reminded me of London in a way which was nice, it was comforting to have something that felt fairly familiar after the homestay. We just wandered around on the first day that we were there, I really wanted to go to the War Museum but by the time we arrived it was too late for us to go. I met some people who went though and they said it's a really good museum to go to, apparently it really helps you to understand the effects of Agent Orange and how devastating it was, with a more personal aspect as well. In Ho Chi Minh there's a big street food market place (where I got some banging cocktails) which reminded me of Camden and they also have a massive pub street- I didn't go out but the people who did had a wild time, to say the least.

We were only in Ho Chi Minh for two days, and on the morning of the second day we went to the Cu Chi Tunnels which was super interesting, 10/10 recommend going. It's definitely worth getting a tour guide there, otherwise I'm pretty sure it could easily feel as if you were just walking through a forest. It was strange, as our tour guide had been on the Americans side, and he would tell us the most violent, saddest stories and then would smile or laugh after- I guess laughter is better than tears in a way. At the Cu Chi Tunnels there's the chance to go through a tunnel that starts off small and gradually gets smaller and smaller until it's the size of the original tunnel. I went to go through the tunnel, but the size of the beginning was too small for my claustrophobic heart to handle so I just turned around and waited for them to finish climbing through. Apparently small was an understatement as to just how minuscule these tunnels were.

NAH TRANG

This place had a really pretty beach but other than that I don't have much to say. Some people went to a temple there that had a giant white Buddha, but I didn't go as I was pretty templed out at this point.

HOI AN

Now let me tell you, Hoi An was my favourite place of the entire trip and I think will forever be my favourite town in the entire world. It is small, it is quaint, it is beyond beautiful and endearing and I don't think anywhere could quite compete with the amount of charm the place has.  The buildings are painted with the most calming yellow colour and it just induced such strong feelings of happiness being surrounded by all the yellow, as well as having lanterns hung up across the little lanes that sparkled at night. I don't think it's possible to go to Hoi An and not feel in awe at the immense beauty and colour of the place. It's an effortless beauty though, some of the buildings are old but contain so much character. It's just an amazing place really, I wish I could describe it better.

There is a lot of shopping you can do there, cute little souvenirs, earrings- you name it. It is like a calm Brick Lane. I wish I could explain the vibe of the place, it is as if they have their own clock there and the days just stroll along. We went on a bike ride around the surrounding village and went in a coconut boat which was fun. We also went to a cooking class there. It was really busy for us as we were there for Chinese New Year, but it didn't interfere with the charm of the place. On one night we put lanterns in the river and it was just so beautiful, I couldn't get a photo but it was so pretty. Hoi An just felt like an entirely different world. They also have good night life, it's strange though as places aren't allowed to be open till a certain time but some clubs bribe the police to stay open longer so we just moved to one of the clubs that were open beyond 12am. There were a lot of tourists there which was nice and although they weren't mental nights out the alcohol haze definitely added something. I also watched the place wake up one morning as me and a friend stayed up and out all night just strolling around which was strange but also lovely. Although I did regret it when I returned home only to have three hours to sleep, pack and sort my life out before a super long coach journey. All in all it was a great place (a bit hard to find ice cream there though, that is my only complaint).

HUE

I won't lie, I found Hue a bit dead- you can go to the Imperial City which is cool. I'm only including Hue to tell a story about a lovely stranger that I met who made me feel excited to fall in love again, because let me tell you after going through a breakup I feared love due to the inevitable pain that would follow, but this guy reminded me of all the great parts of falling, and being, in love.

I was sitting outside on a balcony and this guy came outside (a very beautiful guy may I add) then went back inside and came back out with a chair. We sort of spent a few moments in silence then somehow a conversation sparked up. We spoke about TV shows, films and music and our lives back at home- the differences between growing up in Finland (where he was from) and the UK. There was nothing flirtatious, just friendly conversation with someone new. He then begun to tell me about his fiancé, who he had originally come outside to phone. When I said I'd go back in so he could phone her he said to stay, his fiancé would be there his entire life whereas conversations like this don't always happen. It was sweet, his confidence that his love would always be in his life (he was 21 as well, imagine knowing at 21 you had found the person to complete your life forever, even if there isn't a forever between them two, having that conviction and trust for however long must be a wonderful feeling) and also the fact that he was enjoying the conversation with me. It was strange but enjoyable just talking about everything with a complete stranger, I don't even know his name but I feel like that night we spoke about so many things and it is a moment I don't think I'll ever recreate. Meeting him didn't make me excited to fall in love, it was his pure, devoted love for his fiancé that sparked something in me, that made me realise the feeling of heartbreak is worth it for the intense happiness love can bring. I feel rude, sharing his engagement story so I will say it briefly. Near the beginning of their dating life, she told him she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, which unsurprisingly freaked him out. Then years went by and their relationship continued and he went travelling with a friend, and on FaceTime to her a few weeks he said he realised he needed to spend the rest of his life with this girl and so he proposed. My friends said it wasn't romantic or admirable at all that he proposed over FaceTime, but just something about the impulsivity of the initial proposal, not being able to contain the realisation that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her counteracts the lack of surface romanticism.  I have strange feelings towards marriage, but it's not really the proposal that got to me, just the fact his stars aligned and allowed him to realise how precious the love he has is and the fact that he can protect that love and spend time with the woman he loves. Also lads, don't even get me started on the way his face changed as he spoke about his fiancé, I never really knew what books meant by recognising love in someones eyes but ah. Ah! Love hey, who knew it could impact your life and your brain and your entire demeanour and perception and understanding of things in so many ways. I feel like seeing someone completely in love as well, makes you realise how much love can change a person- I would say I've been in love, but seeing someone else in love adds another type of appreciation for the feeling. Anyway, sap is over. Hue was boring other than that in my opinion, although we did sing karaoke which was fun.

HALONG BAY

I'm a fashion icon

Halong Bay was sort of the same as Hue in my opinion. It has potential though, and I reckon in a few years time it will be a great place to visit. We went on a boat trip and around caves which was interesting. Then me and two of my friends went to this theme park which was across the road from our hotel for a few hours for dinner and it was so surreal as the theme park was next to empty. We were the only ones on most of the rides, and would just sit there and ask to go again. It felt strange, but also very exciting. I never really thought I was a fan of theme parks, but going to one that felt empty created a separation between us and reality, sort of. We were surrounded by plastic dragons in a place created purely with the intention of generating happiness, so all in all it was a pretty great experience. Plus, we made it back in time for dinner.

HANOI

Oh Hanoi, Hanoi- I didn't explore this place as much as I should have. Mainly due to issues with timing. I don't have much to say about Hanoi as I missed the opening times of most of the places I wanted to go, so me and my friends aimlessly walked around one day and the next we all had a lie in (which was a rarity on this trip) then continued to wander around aimlessly. It was rainy the last day in Hanoi, it felt like a slightly unfamiliar London although I was grateful for the rain in a way as it meant I could put my rain jacket to use.

I wish I went to the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, the Temple of Literature and the Ho Chi Minh Museum. It's so frustrating looking back on it and having regrets- but due to the nature of the tour, time in places couldn't be extended so I'm just hoping I get to go back one day.

Woah, and there is the majority of my Vietnam adventures! Vietnam is amazing and if you go, you just got to go to Hoi An. I don't even understand why I love it so much, but I just do. Anyway, peace out!